Smooth Operator… Uhm, no!

InBed-AfterSex

You watch the movies and you know what happens when the clothes starts coming off.  The guy is all smooth and the next thing you know, they’re sitting back in bed, enjoying the fruits of their labor.  Well I’ll have to confess that sex hasn’t always been that easy for me, I’ve done plenty of stupid things over the years and I’ll bet you have too.  There’s something that happens in a guy’s head as he’s about to come in for a landing, and you sort of lose your effing mind just as all systems are go.  Well, here are some of my stupid sex stories!  And yes, while I’m not always a smoothie I usually get the job done.  Eventually!

Looking back, I remember one night with a long-time girlfriend.  Of course we’re in bed, with plenty of lip action and I’ll admit to being a sucker for giving oral sex.  And she would always enjoy it immensely even as a good, Italian-Catholic girl.  I’d always use my hands as part of the deal so as things heated up between the two of us, I would use my fingers to get her going.  But this time, things were a little different.  Instead of moaning with pleasure, she jumped a bit and cried out with a little “ooh”.  I was a bit puzzled but kept on going and then it happens again.  “Ooooh!”  But it’s not a happy ooh, one more of surprise.  Next thing I know is she says, “I’m burning”, hops out of bed and runs off to the bathroom.

jalapenos

I’m sitting there pretty confused as she’s splashing water on her privates.  All of a sudden it hits me!  I had been making a batch of chili and of course, used jalapenos to spice up things.  And even though I had washed my hands thoroughly, the capascin (hot stuff) gets underneath your nails and you can guess what happened here tonight!  I confess to busting out in a bit of laughter and telling my girl what had happened and THANK-fully she was a saint with a good sense of humor.  Once things had cooled down, down there for her, well she was back in bed and we were back in business.  Yep, things really heated up between the two of us that night, and for that I am SORRY!

FrontOpenBra

Another funny story I had was with a girl I was dating, Denise.  Denise had one of those hard bodies: 5′ 2″ tall, long brown hair, popping ass in back and a very curvaceous front side, probably Double-D’s.  She was a naturally pretty girl and used to getting hit on by men so it took me a bit of time to get to know her and take next steps.  And she was just my type, physically so I was willing to be patient.  But finally, the day comes!  We’re on the bed and things are moving forward.  Off comes the shirt and there are her beautiful breasts in a pretty bra.  She’s all-natural and I’m just in awe of what’s in front of me.  As I move to unsnap the back of her bra, she lets me know that it’s a front-loader.  First time for me, I’ve gotten pretty good at taking off bras but hey, time for something new.

As we continue making out, I’m delicately working with my hands trying to unsnap the front of her bra.  I am SO close right now, the smoke is coming out of my ears.  But trying to be smooth I try to pull the bra clasp apart.  Nope.  I look for maybe a button or something to open up the clasp.  Nope!  I try to slide the bra clasp vertically.  Nope!  At this point and time, things are totally heated up in more ways than one.  I can NOT get this stupid bra off for the life of me!  I can’t even focus on kissing her so I turn my full attention on the bra clasp.  It’s like a safe-cracker with the clock-ticking before the police arrive!  I’ve got sweat coming down my temples, my libido in full-roar and I still can’t get this stupid thing open.  If feels like I’m right in front of Fort Knox with all this wonderful gold on the other side of this bra!  Up, down, sideways, squeezing it, NOTHING is working, her bra clasp holds fast. I’m straining so hard with this stupid bra I nearly have a stroke because I am SOOOOO close but being denied access to nirvana right now.  Finally Denise notices my stressed out face, reaches down, folds the clasp out and pop, off comes the bra.  Oh wow, mercy me.  Thank you so much, girl!  You were totally worth the wait and near aneurysm…

So yeah, I’m not the smooth Casanova I always hoped to be but it’s all good.  When you’re young and just learning the ropes, that kind of stuff happens.  But it all gets better with experience.  Or does it?  Oh yeah, there’s one more story and it was sadly not too long ago!  I had been going through a dry spell and meet this one lady from an online dating website.  The first date goes off well and date two is scheduled for my place.  I’m going to cook dinner, I figure I might as well keep things as close as possible to the bedroom just in case.  Nancy comes over and she’s looking mighty fine for an accountant type.  Nice trim body, recently separated and probably in a let’s get back in the game mode.  She’s brought a bottle of wine and dinner is going great, the meal has come out well and the wine is flowing.  But I’m not really feeling any heat from her and after dessert, we’re cleaning up and both feeling a bit disappointed.  You can’t win them all, right?  But as she turns to leave she suddenly stops right in front of me and stares me down.  Ok, this is when you kiss her dummy!  As our lips lock, things go from 0 to 60 in a heartbeat.  There’s a lot of groping and tonsil hockey going on, this accountant is on fire.

RedHotPoker

As we slowly make our way to the bedroom, the clothes start coming off and it’s time for the bed.  I lift her off the ground to pop her onto the bed but unfortunately, that’s not the only thing that pops.  My left knee gives all off a sudden and is now in ridiculous pain!  I had hurt it a month ago and tonight, as I’m moving her to the bed, it gives way again.  It feels as if someone is jabbing a red-hot poker in the center of the knee joint. But thankfully we’re on the bed and the rest of the clothes is coming off.  But as we’re lying on top of each other, limbs entwined of course my knee gets wrenched AGAIN.  A wave of pain, lust, excitement and anguish flows over me.  My date is naked underneath me and yet, I’m finding it just a LITTLE bit hard to concentrate when my knee is in searing agony.  As you can guess, it’s hard to get uhm, certain body parts focused on the job at hand in this condition so I need to stall for time.  Time for the oral sex, and in spades.  As I go down on my little accountant, she’s definitely letting me know she’s enjoying things.  But I have to say I wasn’t, because my throbbing member (no, not that one!) was in bad shape.  So I hoped that maybe I could just get her to orgasm orally but it wasn’t happening, not on our first night together.  So eventually after 20 – 30 minutes of trying, I flop over in pain, not that she can tell in the dark.  Ain’t nuttin’ going on tonight and she starts putting her clothes on, in disappointed fashion.  And she probably doesn’t notice but I can barely walk as she heads out to the door, sigh.  Of course I never hear from her again which is a total shame but my friend, if you’ve ever torn your meniscus badly, I can tell you it will take all the air out of your balloon, literally and figuratively speaking.  In my defense, I could barely walk the next morning…

So there you go, my fellow Casanova’s.  My bedroom hijinks and embarrassment laid out in full.  I am far from perfect and during the above moments, there’s total proof of how bad we can be when the action gets hot and heavy. But I certainly think I deserve an A for effort, peace out!

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